Grief By Numbers x

Sixteen.

The number of years since my beautiful mother passed away. It’s a long time to be without a mother.

I look at my two children and can’t imagine not being in their lives.

Fifty -two.

The number of years my beautiful mother graced this earth with her existence. Too few, far too few.

Twenty-three.

The age I was when my beautiful mother ceased to exist. Not enough time, more than some people are given but not nearly enough time for me.

Pauline,my mum x

Talking over life and death with a friend recently, I was telling her that after all these years I can still remember every detail of the day my mum passed away. The moment I knew she was gone forever. The sad realization that no matter how much I hoped or how many prayers I said, she was never coming back. It’s a timeline of events forever etched into my memory.

Losing a loved one is something you never get over, you just learn to adjust to a life without them in it. No matter how much you sympathize with someone who has lost a parent, until it happens to you, you can never truly appreciate how devastating it can be.

When my mum passed as I have said, I was twenty three, a short distance into my journey of married life. Lost, or at the very least drowning in a sea of what the hell do I do now? My mum was present at my wedding, but she wasn’t AT my wedding. Not in the sense that I always imagined she would be. I’m grateful she was able to see me walk down the aisle, but at the same time I’m jealous of my sisters who had her completely on their special days. I don’t begrudge them that, I just wish it could have been the same for me.

In the years that have passed mum has missed much. The birth of my children, countless birthdays, Christmas’s and Easter’s. Every special occasion is a reminder of how things should have been rather than how they are.  My kids won’t know her beyond what I tell them, they won’t have their own memories of her like my nieces and nephews do. It’s upsetting and heartbreaking but I’ve learnt that,  Life Goes On.

So on today’s anniversary of your passing I won’t visit your grave. I’ll make my excuses not to go and instead I’ll do this.

Smile.

I will smile at your memory. I will listen to Dolly Parton and drink some tea. I will remember you for the person that you were. I have told myself over the years that you left us because it was simply just your time. You gave so much of yourself to other people, you cared deeply about others and that is what I will remember.

Your own life wasn’t always easy, six marriages ( no that’s not a typo! ) four amazing kids! You did the best you could with what we had. It is only now as a mother that I can truly appreciate all that you endured and sacrificed to make our lives that little bit brighter.

Breathe.

I will take a moment to myself to just be.

You are missed immensely. Sometimes even I forget how much. A beautiful friend said to me once

‘ It takes many people to fill the space left behind by a mother ‘.

What was once a gaping hole is now a much smaller portal into my heart. Never closed, always just below the surface. You are always here. In everything I do and everything I am. I hope I’ve made you proud. I’ve tried my best to live a life that you would be thrilled to tell your friends about, I know how much you loved to talk about your kids!

If I could just have one more moment with you. One more conversation. One more cup of tea. One more laugh.

These are the things that I miss, the little moments that we all take for granted. If your mum made you mad this morning, or yesterday or last week for the love of chocolate let it go. She won’t be here forever and trust me whatever pissed you off, you won’t even remember.

Pick up the phone and tell her you love her. Take her out for a coffee or just sit and have a chat……

 

I’m going to finish with a line from a favorite song of mine,

‘I had the best day with you, today’

Rest in Peace Mum.

Mum & I circa 1985
Mum & I circa 1985

 

Thanks for being you xxx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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6 thoughts on “Grief By Numbers x

  1. That was a beautiful tribute
    Today I’m Gonna put on some Tammy Wynette tunes, pull out some old pics and laugh and reminisce about all the good times

    In the worlds of the Reba
    Here’s ya one chance fancy don’t let me down

    So today and everyday I strive to make her proud

    And sharing my journey with my sisters
    Gives me extra strength and inspiration
    And I know she would be proud of all our achievements

    Xxx

    1. That sounds like a great way to remember her my dear brother.

      And yes I have no doubt she is proud of each of us for our own strengths and achievements.

      xxx

      Now where did I put that Creme de Menthe!!

  2. My father died at the age of 52 and he also has been dead for 16 yrs so I can relate but I also 2 yrs ago lost my mother so it’s been hard for me at the age of 40 with kids to have both parents gone and no one at Christmas or Easter ect around to share special moments with but I know in my heart that there always around me.

    1. I’m really sorry to hear that Angela. I don’t have a relationship with my father so it’s just me and my brothers & sisters. Sometimes it feels like forever that she’s been gone and other times is feels like yesterday. The grief still catches me when I don’t expect it to. But your right, there always around in everything you do xx

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