As some of you may know I like to keep it real here at The Style Within.
Be prepared ……… it could get intense for a Sunday evening!
Right now there’s a pie baking in the oven for dinner, hubby and Mister 10 are at the park and Miss 13 is in her room listening to music. Sounds perfect right?
As much as I’d love to tell you my world is a picture of harmony what I can actually tell you is that my world feels as though it’s in complete disarray.
I’ve spent the better part of today wondering WTF is happening!
Let me explain,
I used to be happier. I used to be a happy, bright fun person to be around, or at least I think I was! But now I feel like I’m the perpetual grumpy old woman. The person who is at times, living a total lie in regard to how awesome my life must look to those on the outside.
We never really show our true colours to everyone, well I don’t. Only a select few know the inner workings of my mind and as I get older that circle of trusted confidantes gets much smaller.
I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. I’m sarcastic, moody, quick tempered and stubborn. It’s takes a while for me to get to know people and feel comfortable with them. But once I’ve decided I like you then you’re stuck with me for life!
And what exactly is making me feel this way?
Everything and nothing in particular. Trying to work out where I belong, who are my people and why I let other peoples behaviour affect me so much. I’ve thought a lot these last few days about life, death, friends, family, relationships and happiness. I try to be a positive person, to do for others. To be thoughtful and mindful of what I say and how I conduct myself. I’m not perfect and I make mistakes! I spend a ridiculous amount of time (more than people would realise ) analyzing what I could have said or done differently in certain situations. It bothers me so much when I know that other people say and do as they please without a second thought as to how their actions affect others.
I think back to only a few years ago and I know I was happier then. It’s been an interesting ride in recent times with the breakdown of family relationships and friendships. There has been a lot of he said, she said. There’s been difficult times in my marriage and issues with the kids. So as I sit here now I’m wondering when is it going to get easier! It’s hard to remain positive when there’s so much happening that makes me feel so…….. lost. I think that’s the best term.
Even trying to move forward in life, to generate and manufacture opportunities through blogging I have inadvertently stepped on toes and upset someone very close to me, which was never my intention.
So what to do, what to do?
How do I let go of all the shit that’s weighing me down and begin to breathe again? Because that’s what I feel like I need to do. Exhale.
This isn’t intended as a poor me post it’s just an honest appraisal of where I’m at and it’s been a long time coming.
I’m not even sure if I’ll hit publish on this post, but if you’re sitting at home in your loungeroom reading it then it’s clear what I chose to do!
I guess there is always tomorrow and hopefully brighter days ahead…….