The One With All The Feelings…..

* I’ve always approached blogging with the idea of writing when I have something relevant, interesting or important to say. So with that in mind I’m sharing a post today that I’ve been sitting on for well over a week. Recent events in my personal life have left me feeling bewildered and upset…. Searching for answers on how people, particularly family can treat each other so awfully. Not sure I have any answers and I’m sure this post will ruffle some feathers but sometimes you just need to get stuff out of your head *

Have you met Raychael?

She blogs on all manner of topics over on Agent Mystery Case. Being the clever cookie that she is Raych came up with a great idea to ‘blog like no ones reading’

You know write down all the thoughts / feelings or topics you’ve always wanted to write about but for whatever reason you haven’t.

I love this idea, you don’t even have to publish the post if you don’t want to! Imagine that…… god I could have a field day with all the shit that bounces around in my head.

But here’s the thing. With all those thoughts and feelings comes a certain amount of responsibility. For me to give a voice to those thoughts and feelings would probably mean upsetting someone else, ruffling feathers or worse still acknowledging those feelings exist in the first place.

So as much as I would love to set a few records straight I just can’t.

Some stories are not mine to tell. Like the ones that deal with depression and anxiety. Ahh yes a story much closer to home than many would realize or care to acknowledge.

Or the one about rivalry, people who smile sweetly to your face whilst brandishing a knife behind their back. How about the one where members of your family can’t move on, forgive and forget past hurts. Or the stories involving jealousy, self importance, money, status or perception.

I could go on and on!

But I won’t because that might make people uncomfortable. It could make people question their behavior or motives. It could get messy and people don’t like messy!

People like to pretend that everything’s fine!

I know because I am one of those people. I don’t like confrontation, I don’t like upsetting people. I’m someone who says things like,

‘that’s ok’ …. ‘no, I don’t mind’…. ‘don’t worry about it’. 

I don’t want to make other people uncomfortable. I’d rather walk away and say nothing than get into a screaming match with someone. I’ve never felt the need to rant and rave to get my point across.

The problem of course with saying nothing is that people assume you don’t care. Either your feelings are hurt and you don’t show it (stiff upper lip and all that!) or you’re being a stubborn bitch fool who doesn’t care about others feelings.

So I personally mull over my feelings, cry and lick my wounds in private. Make no mistake though I’ve been hurt deeply in the past just as I’m sure that I, in turn have also caused hurt.

So what the heck do you do?

I feel I’ve already said too much without really saying anything at all!

Why can’t we all just get along…

As mentioned at the start of this post I’m currently dealing (read: sitting in the eye of the storm) with family issues. Deep hurt and anger that goes back in some cases, years and in other cases mere months. I have no idea what the outcome will be….

Who will extend the olive branch, who will succumb first. It’s been a long arduous road with our family since mum passed away. She was the voice of reason and I can’t help but wonder who will be that voice now?

Who will steady the ship when some want to make waves and who will drop anchor signaling an end to the storm?

What about you?

Lover, fighter, voice of reason, enabler or forever volatile?

How do you handle conflict resolution? (tips and tricks greatly appreciated!)

Until next time, thanks for reading

Malinda xxx

PS – I’ve tried to censor myself as much as possible in this post so as not to further inflame or antagonize my situation but I also feel a sense of duty to myself to let my feelings be heard xx

 

 

 

 

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28 thoughts on “The One With All The Feelings…..

  1. I’m still amazed and impressed that everyone is actually hitting publish on the blog posts. It’s in our blogging blood. I don’t know about you but when something is bugging me it needs to come out before I can move on to something else. It’s probably no wonder I produced 30ish draft blog posts the last time my mother in law was visiting. All deleted now.

    Thanks for joining in and sorry to hear you are in the eye of the storm. I can relate. Although moving 4000 km away from the storm has helped me greatly in this regard.

    You may want to check out tomorrow’s blog post on AMC. You rate a little mention. 🙂

    1. Thanks Raych!
      It’s always the conundrum I find myself in……. speak or forever stay silent. I think I’m also wary of having a conversation about one thing that leads to dredging up a whole lot of other issues that should be laid to rest.
      I’ll be linking up to Blog Exchange shortly and will definitely check out tomorrow’s blog post 😉
      xxx

  2. Well done for voicing your feelings. It takes courage and tenacity to hit that publish button. I have done the same and my post is up tomorrow. Hugs and strength coming your way. V x

    1. Thanks Vicki, like I said I’ve mulled over this post for a while now and decided to just take the plunge . Sometimes it’s important to put own self first. I look forward to reading your post tomorrow xx

  3. Oh Malinda – firstly I am so sorry that you lost your mum! I do hope your family ‘waves’ soon smooth out and someone drops the anchor to signal an end to the storm! I am just like you – can’t stand confrontation, want everyone to like each other and get along, will say that all is ok and then go off quietly and have a cry and lick my wounds. I’m also one of those people who just wants everyone to like me. I wish I didn’t care about that quite so much! 😉 xo

    1. Thanks Min,
      In fairness mum has been gone for almost 17 years and for the first little while everything was ok and everyone was dealing with her loss in their own way but the last 10 years have been a roller coaster! Part of the problem I think is that as we’ve all gotten older we get a little more set in our ways, we know how we want to be treated and what we will and won’t put up with. It’s a balancing act of personalities!
      I wish I didn’t care so much either but that’s just me, typical Piscean!
      xxx

  4. I’m often in the middle of drama with my extended family, namely the ones I’m indirectly related to. I’m not sure I’ve ever handled it well, in fact I think I’m often the one who comes off looking like the crazy lady!! They all seem to be able to carry on as though nothing has happened, which is good and bad. No grudges, but also nothing is resolved and no one is ever completely honest with each other. Very different to my own direct relatives.

    1. I can relate to that too with extended family! I tend to let hubby sort out his side and I (try) and sort out mine! Completely agree that nothing ever gets resolved though so it’s difficult to move on. Thanks for reading and commenting xx

  5. first off malinda i’m sending you a big hug!

    i identify so much with this blog post. spinning over and over until you feel you need to write to let off some of the stream.

    it’s such a hard thing to blog with filters when you want to scream out what’s really going down but fear it will make things worse, personally or even legally (i wrote a personal post which i had to consider the legal ramifications and filter myself.)

    i’ve been through hell and back with family. i have a sibling that i have no intention of ever speaking to again.
    two summers ago during a family visit a lifetime of truths came out. several of the points you touched on… jealousy, money, perceptions, self worth… not mine though… her issues that go back to childhood.
    grown ass woman carrying around shit trying to get revenge for 45 years later.
    my sibling is a sociopath. i do not say that with any humor or casualness.

    at what point do you save your own mental health and shut the door and say no more even when it’s family.
    in my case the toxic relationship had to come to an end. i didn’t go into that decision lightly, it wrecked me and some days it still leaves me just so sad.

    anyway family can be so fucking messy and i am so sorry you are going through it.

    keep pushing the publish button it helps you and it helps others find their voice.
    x+o

    1. Hugs to you too Tracie, honestly it’s like you are right inside my head. Everything you have touched on I can relate to. I’m the youngest of four siblings and right now the thought of cutting off anyone is the last thing I want to do but as you said at what point do you make the decision to put your own mental health first. I don’t know if any of my family members will bother to read this, perhaps if they do then steps can be made to move forward. Until then I have to put myself, my family and my health which has been suffering first for a change.
      Once again your comment has just blown me away with how relevant it is to my own situation.
      Lot’s of love to you Tracie xxx

  6. Thank you so much for being so brave and sharing. I can relate to so much of what you are saying (or not saying!) Family stuff is so difficult. Often it is the one thing that we desperately need to get off our chests yet there is always that fear of the repercussions.
    Although I have written a little about my mother on my blog, there is so much I haven’t felt able to, though at times I could desperately do with the support of my little online community.
    I’ve often thought how great it would be to start some kind of anonymous blog where people can write about their experiences, and get feedback without the fear of the people concerned finding out… (there quite possibly is such a thing, and I just haven’t discovered it yet!)
    Also, I love that ‘meme’, so true xx

    1. I think the blogging anonymously idea is part of what Raychael is trying to create. It’s good to have a sounding board and as you say, get things off your chest without the worry of repercussions.
      Family is hard. Especially when you grow up with the notion that they will always have your back and it turns out they don’t!
      I’m going to head over to your blog shortly for a read
      xxx

  7. Thanks for sharing. I m proud of us all. We managed to share some part of ourselves. That s amazing. Dealing with family issues is a big part of my job. ( I m a family psychotherapist). It s really difficult. You might need to put some distance like holidays or even moving somewhere else just to protect yourself. Sometimes it s that complicated. I wish you to cope with this situation. Xx cathy

    1. Thanks Cathy,
      I would love to go to some sort of Family Therapy but getting everyone else to agree would probably be a mission. I’m at the point where I just can’t deal with the anger and negativity anymore, unfortunately I don’t think my family is all on the same page.
      I’m heading over to read more of the linked-up posts and I agree we should all be proud of ourselves.
      xxx

  8. Sorry to hear of the situation you are currently in, family relationships can be so complex can’t they. And when you are in it, it just sucks up all your mental and emotional energy. Hopefully it will get resolved soon!

    1. Thank you Stephanie, it really does suck all your mental and emotional energy. I think for now my best option is try and stay out of all the he said / she said stuff.

  9. Thanks for sharing, Malinda – I really hope things settle for you to the point where you can be comfortable and happy; whether it’s workings things out, pushing through to a new form of relationship or ultimately resolving to have less to do with your family if they bring you down to this point. We can’t choose our relatives and I think this leads to a lot of suffering where people feel obliged to try and maintain a close relationship with people they straight up just don’t like or get along with – whether it’s behaviour, morals/ethics or personality. Thinking of you – remember how rad you are!

    1. You’ve so hit the nail on the head Beth! Being one of four makes for many personalities and voices all trying to be heard. Loyalty and obligation are a big factor but ultimately so is taking care of yourself. You are a wise one gorgeous! Thanks for coming and commenting, I really need to get better at leaving comments on other blogs…… I read and then forget to leave a message! My bad xx

  10. Oh babe – I just want to hug you. Like give you a big squishy meaningful hug. “‘that’s ok’ …. ‘no, I don’t mind’…. ‘don’t worry about it’. ” OMG that is so me to a tee.. and so I play it safe and fester over the unsaid xx

    1. Yep me too Son, play it safe and let it fester…. unfortunately it’s not working for me anymore! I’d take a big squishy hug and a cuppa from you any day lovely lady xx

  11. It’s hard when you can’t really share everything – there is always a weight on you in those moments. We are so similar in so many ways here Malinda. I also detest confrontation and also prefer to walk away and say nothing rather than have it out. It’s not healthy but I’m trying to change the way I’ve been my whole life…

    1. Thanks Kirsty, old habits die hard I guess! I’m slowly learning it’s okay to voice my option / feelings but it’s hard…….. of course there are others in my family who have no problems saying what they feel!

    1. Thanks Vicki,
      It’s very draining especially when stuck in the middle! I just can’t can’t be bothered with all the nastiness anymore, there’s no need for it. Every member of my family has issues to deal with or things we are unhappy about but there are nicer ways of communicating your feelings. Thanks for stopping by x

  12. Oh I totally get it. I used to be an open book but I’ve been made to shut up … because of reasons I can’t talk about publicly. I’ve even had to remove certain posts. It’s hard for me because blogging is part of my therapy – and there is more strength in expressing feelings, fears and tears when they are witnessed and acknowledged. Any therapist will tell you that. So for now, I’ve put a hold on blogging about stuff like that. It doesn’t mean I don’t write it down sometimes, but it’s just for me. But oh – the stories I could tell. I hope you feel better soon x

    1. Thanks Bronnie,
      Wow that must have been a really difficult situation to be in. Mine doesn’t have any legal ramifications just the inevitable further breakdown of relationships. I’m trying to be braver in voicing my feelings as I know it’s not good to keep pretending these feelings don’t exist.
      Thanks for reading x

  13. Good on you for hitting post on this. I’m one for telling it how it is and am fine confronting people most of the time. Sometimes a little too fine. So I’d say just tell it straight, address the issues in a no nonsense way just be prepared for the outcome whatever it may be.

    1. Thanks Malinda!
      Wise lady that you are, I will take your advice on board as I don’t think the position I’m in could get any worse if I say something!
      xxx

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